...and I didn't post about it. Not that I didn't think about it, though.
I guess I felt like having a pity party instead of celebrating this year.
And as my Instagram feed was inundated with messages to spread
autism awareness every day, I got to thinking that really the messages
were to encourage those of us that deal with autism on such a personal
level. Lots of messages like "Autism moms are super heroes" and
"Autism parents. They don't want your pity. They want a nap."
Usually, I'm right there with those sentiments....the ever positive girl,
looking on the bright side. But once in a while this whole life begins
to feel so big and...well, hard! There are so many things to hate about
autism. I hate that my boys' bright minds are trapped in an injured
body that makes it so hard for them to communicate and socialize.
I hate how autism handicaps an entire family, making doing most
things other families take for granted very difficult or impossible.
I hate how alone it makes you feel.
I hate the sense of loss of all the things that won't happen...
sending them off as adults to find their way in the world...college,
marriage, jobs, children of their own. I hate how autism consumes
every part of a day from what we do to where we go. I hate how
unhelpful and insensitive people can be. My, have we experienced
some terrible things in our journey, mainly from highly educated
people in the field of education or in ministry.
But lately, I mostly hate the fear I have for the future. I always joke
that I have to live forever. I mean, seriously...nobody, not even The
Mister, can read our boys like I can. And nobody will sacrifice or care
for them that doesn't have that mother's love, which really is the only
thing that can drive such a vehicle through this difficult journey. My
heart almost stops when I think of having to give up guardianship of
them as I become elderly and cannot care for them here in our home.
Not only do I hate eventually giving up my role there, but I hate
to ask someone else to take on something like that.
As I've been thinking on these things in recent days, and having a
full blown pity party this morning, something amazing happened.
A line from a song we sing in church came to mind.
I hadn't heard it in years. It had to be straight from God.
A little miracle just for me to keep things in perspective. It was...
"...because I know he holds the future"
by David Crowder
and then this one a few minutes later....
"...God will make a way where there seems to be no way.
He works in ways we cannot see. He will make a way for me"
by Don Moen.
No promises of an easy life. No promises of a painless journey.
But this mama bird caring for a nest full of adult babies isn't
alone. She doesn't need to be worrying about things that
won't happen for 20 years. She doesn't need to be worrying
that the journey is taking turns she didn't want or expect.
So...a deep breath, a prayer to God and a pep talk to myself to get
back to taking one day at a time. I'm not to be worrying about things
that won't happen for years, especially when I'm not the one in
charge and not the one that knows the future.
God dropped a clear reminder right in my lap today when
I needed it most. And I'm so thankful for that.